I would like to look at you in the face and tell you that I love you.
This will be the last time that I'll put so many walls to feel.
Because I do.
But
I would also like to look at you and be brave and honest - at this point, I have no idea which could be worse with you- and confess
everything.
I would like to share with you so many stories, funny moments, and doubts.
But
I cannot.
Because I would have liked not to fail you.
But
I did.
So many times.
and I'm still doing it.
---
Sometimes I discover myself trying to justify my actions, your answers, and even blaming you.
And sometimes I'm right - or I think so-
But
mostly, I'm failing you and convincing myself that it's okay when I'm broking every piece of me that loves you.
Because I love you so wrong - literally wrong-
I'm so fucking tired of being this person, this stupid girl who's waiting for you to change, to you to realize that we could do so many things, that I could be your girl.
That's me, being tired all the time but looking at you and feeling plenty, cozy.
But
I'm failing me and failing you.
Every breath that my knee feels that's not you.
Because you never breathe me that close.
Every breath is a sentence of that stupid jury that doesn't have any idea of what is going on
But
Can I blame him?
Not even I have no idea of what I'm doing, much less of what is going on.
------
You know, sometimes I try,
I try being a better person, a better
lover.
But
I prefer to surrender to the fact that you don't deserve it
that keep trying.
At nights I like to pretend that -that- day you'll be in that plane
and you're going to miss me so bad and you're not going to be able to bear it.
And I would like feeling okay with that thought, I could close my eyes and pretend that you're going to be miserable, and I'll be relieved because you finally left.
But
I cannot lie to me so bad - Well, yes. I can, but not with this-
Because I'm going to miss you too.
and I'll do it with every part of me
Every part that
Waited so many times to you to change
To you to loved me
To you giving us an opportunity
Every Friday night
Every Sunday
And every ride by the highway at night
But
I'll be strong and proud.
Not for you, obviously
For me.
cause this will be the last time that I let love someone without him loving me.
-
-
I'll try to find a new great view of the city without you.
(Even if don't want to)
-Even if I'm crossing my fingers and I'm still betting on you-
-Even if I shouldn't-
-Even if I know that if you knew I couldn't forgive myself-
---
Let's wait for that ticket.